The DIS ease of LONELINESS

I want to talk about a reality most of us feel shamed about.

LONELINESS.

As someone who has experienced multiple physical, mental and emotional traumas....resulting in a pathological heightened self preservation system. In other words....I am one paranoid defensive bitch...lol or C-PTSD is another way of putting it.

I’m a life long dedicated member of the introverts club and don’t mind being alone. Introversion has giving me a natural wanting to be alone. Nothing personal peeps...but being hyper sensitive makes me a sponge for sadness. When I am unable to help someone suffering, I feel it deeply. Then add that Life has reinforced the NEED to withdraw and build walls. It has been responsible for my withdrawal from many relationships of importance. Leaving me feeling very lonely. Others see a wall and assume that its to keep them out, and do not bother to find out what’s behind the wall. "They don’t have the time" to bother. Fair enough....I built the wall. Thankfully there are those of you who know....a wall keeps in as well as out. That time and necessity have created a defense system to protect that has also isolated. The wall is ominous on both sides!

Some of you know the specifics of my struggles....most have a good idea....but recently I have withdrawn deeper into my hard crusty protective outer layer in efforts to heal and find faith in life enough to poke my head out. Very Scorpio of me...lol I have been desperately trying to reinvent myself, grow a new and more functional shell that fits who I have become. It has increased my defensiveness and sensitivity. 2 things that don’t need to be...lol

Like all good introverted Scorpios, I have wallowed, delved, burrowed, investigated the living shit out of every aspect of WTF????...lol 
Been trying to figure out WTF is wrong and how can I heal it. Possibilities are endless....my mind is a dark cavernous prison at times....trust me when I say I frequently need time away from it...lol   So I do appreciate how annoying I can be....lol

Sorry, back to the point AGAIN....lol  Karma sometimes takes her time to clear our hearts enough to make us ready for the information we need to hear.

I have had numerous so called professionals diagnoses me with 23 different things. That’s not including the non-professional assessments of me ;) Each diagnoses/label/criteria/box has defined how I have seen myself. Each one isolating me more and more from the perceived norm. Each one pushing me further to the fringe of normal. Thankfully there are some pretty cool fringe dwellers who make the social isolation tolerable... TRIBE power. 
Big BUT though, sometimes it doesn’t stop LONELINESS.   Like the rest of the shit life gives us....it happens.

I found this TED talk video and wanted to share its message. I know it is one I needed to hear. One that helps explain what I have been feeling and going thru. It doesn’t define me...but clarifies many of the struggles I have been wrestling with 24/7 for over a year.

I’m coming out from behind my wall to say.....I'm FUCKING LONELY. I cant even remember the last time I had more then casual physical contact with anyone but my furbabies. It has been over 7 weeks since I have been hugged or felt any warm human interaction, I am physically isolated. I have done so because my need to protect has been so commanding. And I haven’t been able to figure out how to get past it.

How do you come out of your shell when you feel so threatened by the world? 
When Life has kicked the shit out of you and YOU feel in a weakened, vulnerable LONELY state.....how to you find a way past the wall?

Whole video is informative....but around the 13 minute mark, the speaker gets into the physiology behind what is a far more destructive DIS EASE then most. It is a cancer like dis ease that eats away at our cores.

LONELINESS .

So what its worth....this video at least explains how loneliness changes who we are and how we function and interact. It explains why I feel the way I feel.  Loneliness like many other dis eases needs to be addressed on multiple levels for healing to happen. I found knowing this made me feel less alone.  Maybe it will help you feel less lonely too

I would love to say I have the right Treatment protocol for healing it....unfortunately right now, I don’t.

I have tried to be an advocate and leader despite my introversion, and have been demeaned, diminished and lied to for my efforts. 
What was supposed to help many, has supported my need to isolate. Not that I haven’t had reason enough to want to move to a hobbit hole...lol Just that my experience with Lyme disease awareness and advocacy has sucked this warriors well dry. The absolute bullshit with KFLA PHU has been the final straw. 
The powers that are supposed to help us...ARE SERIOUSLY DEFICIENT, DYSFUNCTION AND INEFFECTIVE. As such, community work was a miserably failed project in breaking free of social isolation. So that isn’t on my list of things to do anytime soon....still licking those wounds 😉